Its been a while since I last blogged and not much has happened on the outside but lots has happened on the inside.
I have started the job hunt again and it’s not as easy as I first thought. I thought it would be a walk in the park, a piece of cake but alas it’s not turning out to be so. My level of confidence is not where it should be and I am feeling like a failure of sorts. I feel panicked to find a job to appease my parents, to appease the bills, to appease myself. I have enjoyed my 4 months off but the thought of going back to work is not so appealing. I would rather eat green bananas all day and deal with the cramps afterwards.
I have to start again. I have to start all over. The thought makes me want to run and hide from all things evil! Then of course reality sets in. I know it has to be done, it must be done. There are no if’s and’s or but’s about it. Flipping the coin over the exciting part of all this is the new people I will meet, new work to do, new experiences to experience, new laughs to have and new memories to make me smile. So why do I not want this. To be honest I am content to be at home in my safe little bubble instead getting back out there. My home to me is my safety blanket, nothing can harm me here and all my thoughts and feelings are safe and sound. wow the inner turmoil sucks ass!
I have been applying on-line to different jobs in my field but also to jobs that I would like to try out. Although some I am not qualified for I am applying anyway. Maybe someone will see something special in me and give me a chance. I am hoping this is the case. It seems these days you need a degree which I don’t have, and I don’t have the 1-2 years of experience that is needed for some positions, and strangely enough I find myself okay with not having neither of those qualifications. I just want a chance to get out there and show my stuff what ever that may be.
I am one big walking contradiction. I want to go back to work for all the right reason, I need to go back for all the obvious reason but I don’t want to. And then if these thoughts weren’t bad enough I start dwelling on what I don’t have. I don’t have the body that I want, I don’t have the money that I want, I don’t have the car or the place on my own that I want and on and on goes my pity party from hell! ARG!!!!
*sigh* I am hoping these feelings pass and I find the path that I am supposed to take however as of right now I am not moving much and I don’t like it.